What We’re Gonna Do . . .
(The people only have one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain)
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A Message from Your Once and Current GOAT (That’s Greatest of All Time, in case you don’t know about my buddy, Tom Brady) President:
I’m the only one who can save this country, right? You all know it – everybody knows it, but they won’t admit it! Not Teddy Cruiser, not Ronnie De Santa Claus, not little Marco Rubeey-o. They’re OK as senators and governors and cabinet members, but they’d never cut it as president. And who can the Democrats nominate that could stand up to me. Not Petey Bootyedge, definitely not Pocahontas – I’d crush her like I did Hillarious. Not Caramel Harris – I beat her in a landslide. I’ll have the Republican Party straightened out in 2025 and we won’t have any more stolen elections. Well, we won’t have any more elections, period.
I’m gonna lock up a long list of real criminals like Stutterin Joe, Kumbaya Harris, Nancy Polishi, Bernie Sandwich, Mike Pence (his name says how much he’s worth), Jack Smith, Robert Mooller, whatever his name is, traitors Liz Cheney, James Comey, and Adam Kinsucker and Mitch Romney, Adam Schifty, Pocahontas (I love callin her that), Mark Milley, John Kelly, Hillary and Bill – I call em Billary, Barack Obamala, Leticia James, Fanny Willis, Arthur Enmoron, Alvin Bragg, Mary T (I can’t call her a Trump), Jimmy Kimmel, – and Number One on the list, that backstabber Michael Cohen, after all I did for him! And that Garvin Newberry guy. You can’ talk about the President of the United States like that!
We need to get this country back to what it always was – a White Christian nation. First I’m gonna get rid of all these Muslims – they gotta go, right? We can’t have any tower-bombing terrorists in this country. We’ll send em to Siria and Agfanistun and Ei-rak – they lost a lot of people anyway, so they can use a few more. Then we gotta do something about all these black people that moved here a long time ago. How’d we end up with millions of black people? They belong in Africa anyway – they’ll be happier there.
Then we gotta get rid of the Jews. We’ll send them all to Israel where they belong – they’re all radical-liberal losers, except for my son-in-law Jared, so we’ll keep him. Where did the Jews get that religion, anyway? Some liberal snob made it up no doubt. They even adopted half of our Bible – did you know that – most people don’t know that. The same goes for all these limpy Buddhists – they belong in India or Viet Nam. Don’t you think their religion’s weird? I heard they all sit naked in the forest chanting all day and begging for handouts. Just what I heard. We don’t need weirdos like that. The Chinese and Japanese gotta go, too, although we might keep a few to fix our computers when they break down. Then we’ll be a White Christian country like we were supposed to be. I’m not too Christian myself, but if you’re gonna have a religion, that’s the best one to have. And all the Christians vote for me, most of em anyway.
We gotta get rid of the Democratic Party next – can’t have parties that steal elections in this country. And just one party like Russia and China to keep things simple. Gets too confusing with two parties – or even more, like in Germany and France and Britain. I don’t know how they keep things straight – well, they don’t really. That’s why they’re so weak. Russia and China figured this out a long time ago. It'll be better with just one party. Then we won’t have all this fighting and confusion about who to vote for. Just one party, straight down the ballot.
Then we gotta get rid of PBS and all the other fake news networks like CBS, NBC, ABC, and especially CNN and MSNBC. Might as well can FOX News along with em, they’re so unreliable. We just need one network, anyway. We’ll call it UBC, the United States Broadcasting Company. Or maybe TBC, Trump Broadcasting Company, so you’ll know you’re getting the truth. I’ll own it of course – gotta get the money to pay off my fines and debts somewhere. I’ll be on it all the time, whenever I feel like it anyway. We won’t have Rachel Madder or George Stepopopulus.
Things are gonna be so great, you won’t believe how great they’re gonna be with me. Better than even than in the 80s – so much better people are gonna forget Ronnie Rayguns. GOD BLESS AMERICA. AND GOD BLESS DONALD TRUMP!! Making America great again! Aren’t we great, huh?
Brett Nelson
