Commentary

What I'm Gonna Do . . .

(The people only have one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain)

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A Message from Your Once and Current GOAT President (That’s Greatest of All Time, in case you don’t know about my buddy, Tom Brady).

I’m the only one who can save this country, right? You all know it – everybody knows it, but they won’t admit it! Not Teddy Cruiser, not Ronnie De Santa Claus, not little Marco Rubeey-o. They’re OK as senators and governers and cabinet members, but they’d never cut it as president. And who can the Democrats nominate that could stand up to me. Not Petey Bootybudge, definitely not Pocohontas – I’d crush her like I did Hillarious. Not Caramel Harris – I beat her in a landslide. I’ll have the Republican Party straightened out in 2026 and we won’t have any more stolen elections. Well, we won’t have any more elections, period.

I’m gonna lock up a long list of real criminals like Stutterin Joe, Kumbaya Harris, Nancy Polishi, Bernie Sandwich, Mike Pence (his name says how much he’s worth), Jack Smith, Robert Mooller, whatever his name is, traitors Liz Cheney, James Comey, and Adam Kinsucker and Mitch Romney, Adam Schifty, Pocahontes (I love callin her that), Mark Milley, John Kelly, Hillary and Bill – I call em Billary, Barack Obamala, Leticia James, Fanny Willis, Arthur Enmoron, Alvin Bragg, Mary T (I can’t call her a Trump), Jimmy Kimmel, – and Number One on the list, that backstabber Michael Cohen, after all I did for him! And that Garvin Newberry guy. You can’ talk about the President of the United States like that!

We need to get this country back to what it always was – a White Christian nation. First I’m gonna get rid of all these Moslems – they gotta go, right? We can’t have any tower-bombing terrorists in this country. We’ll send em to Siria and Agfanistun and Ei-rak – they lost a lot of people anyway, so they can use a few more. Then we gotta do something about all these black people that moved here a long time ago. How’d we end up with millions of black people? They belong in Afrucca anyway – they’ll be happier there.

Then we gotta get rid of the Jews. We’ll send them all to Israle where they belong – they’re all radical-liberal losers, except for my son-in-law Jared, so we’ll keep him. Where did the Jews get that religion, anyway? Some liberal snob made it up no doubt. They even adopted half of our Bibble – did you know that – most people don’t know that. The same goes for all these limpy Buddhists – they belong in India or Veet Nom. Don’t you think their religion’s weird? I heard they all sit naked in the forest chanting all day and begging for handouts. I don't know, just what I heard. We don’t need weirdos like that. The Chinese and Japanese gotta go, too, although we might keep a few to fix our computers when they break down. Then we’ll be a White Christian country like we were supposed to be. I’m not too Christian myself, but if you’re gonna have a religion, that’s the best one to have. And all the Christians vote for me, most of em anyway.

We gotta get rid of the Democritic Party next – can’t have parties that steal elections in this country. And just one party like Russia and China to keep things simple. Gets too confusing with two parties – or even more, like in Germany and France and Britain. I don’t know how they keep things straight – well, they don’t really. That’s why they’re so weak. Russia and China figured this out a long time ago. It'll be better with just one party. Then we won’t have all this fighting and confoosion about who to vote for. Just one party, strate down the ballot.

Then we gotta get rid of PBS and all the other fake news networks like CBS, NBC, ABC, and especially CNN and MSNBC. Might as well can FOX News along with em, they’re so unreliable. We just need one network, anyway. We’ll call it UBC, the United States Broadcasting Company. Or maybe TBC, Trump Broadcasting Company, so you’ll know you’re getting the truth. I’ll own it of course – gotta get the money to pay off my fines and debts somewhere. I’ll be on it all the time, whenever I feel like it anyway. We won’t have those losers Rachel Madder or George Stepopopulus around anymore.

Things are gonna be so great, you won’t believe how great they’re gonna be with me. Better than even than in the 80s – so much better people are gonna forget Ronnie Rayguns. GOD BLESS AMERICA. AND GOD BLESS DONALD TRUMP!! Making America great again! Aren’t we great, huh?

Your Presidident

Dear Donald,

I can see how hard it is for you to keep up with yourself, Donald. You try so desperately to put over a façade that you know most people see through, so you keep having to top yourself, knowing that most sane people are laughing in disbelief at the last lie you told. It must be really difficult to keep coming up with a topper every day. The walls keep closing in, and you’re circling the wagons to defend your ground the best you can, firing people by the thousands left and right who don’t follow your lead.

You do have a talent for perceiving people’s weaknesses, and you’ve made almost everyone in the Republican party afraid of you, as well as a whole stable of corporate entities, and a few governments of other nations. But one of the truisms of history that’s become a cliché is that it’s far easier to destroy things than to build them. The study of psychology has taught us that ego inflation is always followed by ego deflation, because egomaniacs can never recognize that their power does have limits. They eventually overreach those limits, the balloon gets punctured, and there’s nothing left but a limp piece of stretchy plastic on the ground.

You’ve boasted in the past about your intelligence, but in truth you’re a simpleton who is unable to grasp the most basic ideas, and your bank of knowledge is virtually empty of funds. You’re trying to singlehandedly run a country whose history and principles of government you seem to know or care nothing about. The framers of the constitution designed it to form a government that would prevent exactly what you are doing, but it seems it wasn’t robust enough.

I’m not sure if you were always simple or you really are in serious cognitive decline, or you're just living in a delusional world that exists only in your imagination, which at times seems to border on psychosis or dementia. You’re like a narcissistic one-year-old banging on his highchair tray and screaming at not getting what you want! Even those in your own party laugh at you behind your back. Good luck. I think you're gonna need it.

But my heart is full of grief and dread at the dismantling of the framework this country was built on that's held it together for 250 years, and dread that you have no comprehension of that. It’s going to be a big job trying to put it back together.

Dumbfounded